…Perhaps we were only mildly entertained. Regardless, please enjoy! If you are looking for Kaylia's official Website please visit KayliaMetcalfeWriter

Notes From the Front Lines

It happened.

There were times before where I know I got close, but today it happened.

I reached the end of my rope.

And then I became someone I never wanted to become; a Mommy Monster.

I yelled. I held her too tight, I let her drop from my arms onto the bed below. I yelled. I stomped my feet. I sobbed.

I was not the best version of myself. I wasn't even the mediocre version of myself.

I was a horrible red faced sweating cursing evil end of my rope version of myself.

Would it matter if I told you that this fit was edging into it's second full hour of screaming? No.  Or how many times I had tried to calm her down? No... because she is the toddler and I am the adult and I didn't act like an adult. At least not like an adult I would feel good about leaving my child with.

I am full of loathing. For myself and my actions. For my inability to cope with a child who is almost as stubborn as I am. For my lack of patience.

I look at her now, eating her peas and glancing up at me while I type.

She is still flushed from the fight, her hair is matted, teas still on her face.

A perfect reflection of myself.

I wipe my eyes.

Ella, I say, trying to keep my voice calm and without cracks.

Ella, I'm sorry I was not a good version of myself. I should not have yelled at you.

Yeah, she says, her voice small. I'm sorry you yelled at me too.

What about all the yelling you did to me? I want to ... yell. But I don't.

Umm, what about your fit, I ask, are you sorry about that.

She shrugs.

And now, because it has been a while and because I called a fellow mom and cried and because I have taken my requisite number of deep breaths, and because I am the adult, I close my eyes for a moment and feel my rope of patience, the rope of every moment is a teaching moment, the rope of sanity un-spool itself from around my neck and stretch out before me.

Would you like more peas?

Yes, and can I have more water please?