…Perhaps we were only mildly entertained. Regardless, please enjoy! If you are looking for Kaylia's official Website please visit KayliaMetcalfeWriter


Watching Jennifer with Bailee makes a lump rise up in my throat.

The same year Bailee was born, Daddy and I were very briefly pregnant.

That baby, the one that didn't make it past 7 weeks, would have been born about two months after Bailee.

Which means that she is a pretty constant reminder.

She just turned three, about a month ago,... and you are due to be here in about 2 months. It feels a bit full circle, and I am really really glad you are coming.

But sometimes watching her play, I still get a bit sad.

Adventures in Dining

I ate at In-N-Out Burger today for the first time. I won't be back.

It hasn’t really been for a political reason or a emotional reason that I have avoided In-N-Out in the past, it has had more to do with my reticence to give in to anything that gets THAT much hype… but also because when I do eat at fast food places, I tend to have a few that I like or that I at least know well enough to warrant going there.

But today, I was with a group of people and not in charge of my own destiny…. So, when they said “We are going to In-N-Out” I was amenable to going.

It turned out that we were “THAT” family in the restaurant today.

First off, as we entered, I said, all nonchalant –like “So, I can get chicken nuggets, right?”


No? No chicken nuggets? What sort of burger join is this? (Ok, so yeah, “burger joint” doesn’t automatically preclude chicken nuggets, but I was still surprised.)

No worries, I said, still all confident, I’ll just get a chicken sandwich or some sort.


When they say burger, they mean beef. The end.

Oh…. Well… ummm… I can’t actually eat beef. It makes me sick.


Have I mentioned that I was at this restaurant with my Aunt, my cousin/sister –Jennifer- and Jennifer’s two little girls, my “nieces” Olivia who is 6 and Bailee who is 3.

We had been at the mall for hours.


We are all tired, some of us are cranky, many of us need to eat in the next few moments to avoid fainting or tears. (or both)

Also, the two little girls had been talking about going to In-N-Out all day… so far be it from me to cause a problem. I wait in line while the other two ladies entertain them and wait my turn. At the counter:

“Hi, I was wondering if there is anything you have that isn’t beef?”
“Oh sure, we have a veggie patty or a grilled cheese.”
“Great! I’ll take the veggie patty.”
“Ok, it comes with lettuce, sauce, tomato, and onions.”
“Oh, let’s leave off the tomato and the onions.”
“Ok, do you want cheese?”
“No thanks.”

I added fries and a drink and feeling a bit embarrassed for having this much trouble with my order I turned from the counter. And promptly dropped almost three dollars in change, mostly nickels and dimes, from the pocket of my purse.

All over the floor.

Ok. Let’s all take a deep breath and consider… I’m 8 months pregnant, I can’t bend, I am already pushing my high pulse rate at this point… and now everyone is staring.

I look across the restaurant at Jennifer and Auntie Ree who are chatting by the windows.

I wave my hands, I call out “Auntie Ree… Jennifer… JENNIFER!!!”

But their conversation is very engaging and they can’t hear me.

So I scamper over to them, continuing to wave and call out… … I have to get right up next to them before they notice me, “Please,” I say, but then words fail me, I can’t quickly enough explain what I need, “please come”

Jennifer follows me back and we find a kind fellow customer has already collected my change. I thank her profusely and just then my order comes up. Perfect timing.

Or so I thought.

I get my tray and head over to the table where I discover that my “burger” consists of two pieces of bread, some sort of sauce, lettuce… and… nothing. No patty.

My aunt returns to the counter with my tray and my receipt while I take my turn entertaining the very young and very hungry little girls.

She comes back with bad news: “They don’t have anything they can do, they don’t have veggie patties here. We can go somewhere else for you after the little girls eat.”

So… I get to make a meal out of slightly cold fries?


I march back up to the counter.

“Hi, I say,  “I didn’t get a patty in my burger.”
“We don’t have patties.”
“But.. you told me you did when I asked what your vegetarian options were.”
“We can give you a grilled cheese.”
“Ok, fine, let’s trade this for a grilled cheese.”
“Ok,, hang on.” She turns to another worker, “What do I ring up?”
Another round of explanations.
“Oh, says helpful co-worker, “Just charge her for extra cheese.”
Me: “No. I’m sorry but no, you can’t charge me to do an exchange.”
“But you are returning a veggie patty.”
“No… I’m returning an empty burger.”
“But we don’t have patties.’
We go around again until I get to the end of my rope.

“Look,” My hands are flat on the counter, my voice has risen, “I asked for your vegetarian options. You said ‘veggie patty’. The word ‘patty’ constitutes a physical thing, a presence of an object that has been labeled as ‘patty’ , not the construct of empty space. If you do not sell any such physical objects, then you lied to me. At this point I need to eat. I can’t eat beef and the only other option is your grilled cheese. So, since you lied, you need to take back this empty space filled sandwich and provide me with a grilled cheese sandwich At No Extra Charge. Got it?”

They got it.

I even got new –hot- fries.

So, yeah… regardless of the politics of the Christian owners (only sign I saw of this was the “John 3:16” printed on the bottom of the drink cups) they don’t have food there that I enjoyed eating… so… yeah. Won’t be back.

Can someone please tell me what the hype is all about? I don’t get it.


Ok, so this is a bit of a cheat. This photo was taken a few days ago, but it is today's ohoto fo the day anyway. Deal :P

Week 32! I can't hardly believe it!

Getting so much closer!!!!!!

And.. gulp, going to get a bit bigger....

I love our tradition of taking a photo every month... not sure if we will keep it up after you get here or if we will do wekly shots... either way, you are going to be one well documented child!


Brunch this morning before the drive to Sacramento.

Last year I spent a week in Sac with the little girls and it was super fun. We went to the zoo, we went to Storybook Land, we did an awful lot of shopping....

This year, well, we can't do as much due to my heart and baby bump, but I kow we will still have a great time! And this year I get to sleep on the couch! MuHaHAHAHa... Jennifer gets the air mattress!

The Sound.... of...

An alarm.

At the hospital.

(don't worry, it wasn't attached to me in any way)

It was, however, pretty annoying... but... There was a silver lining!

Also, I was in for a check up thing, no need to worry on that front either. Both Ella nd I are doing fine!


The shower was great! So good to see so many friends! We played some silly games, we ate some scrumptious food (thanks to Grandma and Aunt Kristen), and then there were the visiting and the gifts.

Ella, you are one lucky little girl! So many people already love you!

I want to make a pregnancy scrapbook... with pictures from today's event, the other shower too, and some of these photos of the day.... Must add this to the to-do list....

Afterwards, Stacy stayed for dinner and we all go to play with Bailee and Olivia. They are a bit mystified as to where you are right now, but super excited to meet you. Olivia in particular is very protective of me and "Baby Ella" which is all kinds of adorable.

Next up: off to Sacramento to visit with Auntie Re, Jennifer, and more Bailee and Olivia time!

Resting, in that busy sort of way.

Resting is hard work. Well, the way I do it anyway.

It involves still being able to work on my laptop... answering emails, promoting my book etc and also building and promoting and managing the three new websites for Gay Central Valley.

The Gay Ventral Valley Main Site
The Fresno LGBT Community Center
The Rainbow Delegation

They aren't perfect, but they don't suck either, so I say bloody bravo for me! :)

Anyway, back to resting.

I have to rest with my feet elevated. As in, waist level or higher. (This will help with the swelling... when they tell you that as a pregnant lady your feet will swell, they weren't joking.)

Which means working at my desk is out. (apparently staying "off my feet" is not good enough... they must be listed up up and away!)

So I tried the bed... only to discover that due to the HUGE belly and the bad eyes, I could watch Netflix in bed, but couldn't really see to read or write.

So, thankfully the Maifan-San had an idea of using the (new) kitchen table withe my feet on a chair. Which works... but.. wow, I never realized how much you move while sitting. My legs sort of cramp in this position and my knees keep hitting the hard underside of the solid oak table.

But, rest, feet up, I shall!

It won't last forever... just another 5-8 weeks!


Nothing like a mystery gift in the mail (the rainbow bowls) and a gift of stuffed animals from Allison to cheer one up!

The giraffe is especially cute, he says all sorts of snarky things... he almost sounds drunk /snicker.

I had a Mr Peanut when I was little from my grandpa... and a baby polar bear named snuggles that I LOVED. I still have a Snuggles... but he is actually Snuggles the 2nd.... the first Snuggles was adopted by someone's dog and lost to me when I was younger.

Anyway, I wonder which of the many many stuffed animals you already own will become your favorite.

The baby shower is tomorrow at Grandma's house! So excited!

July Issue of Blade Magazine - Video

I'm very happy to be writing a regular column for Blade California Magazine.

My regular monthly column will start in August... but I did have a blurb in the July issue.



Had to go to the hopstal today because of some swelling and headaches and dizziness and such.

All is good, but I got quite the lecture about:

Keeping my feet waist level or higher (not good enough to just stay off of them)
Drinking enough water (translation, way more than I have been drinking)
Eating balanced healthy meals.

It wasn't a bad trip to the hspital, just a bit long.

At one point the alarm or the gal next tome was going off for, like, ever. BUT I did finally get a (bad) recording of your heartbeat... so, there's that!


Pure Awesome.

Not horribly unhealthy
Variety of flavors.
Not too sweet.
Quick and easy way to cool down... in this horrible horrible heat.


I think I ate 7 of them today.

I also spent around 14 hours working on the GCV websites. Must have everything done before Friday......


It might be late July, but it is never too late to celebrate my July article in Blade Magazine!

(Their delivery schedule leaves a bit to be desired, but no matter....)

Your daddy helped me celebrate with a video! (His camera work also leaves a bit to be desired, but no matter!)


Today I needed a rescue and Aunt Robin was my rescuer!

We went to Starbucks to chat and vent and wow was it needed. There really isn't anything specific wrong, I just sometimes get a bit overwhelmed.

Like with the to-do list that keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Or the GCV drama that is still continuing (not GCV as much as the GCV vs GF and all the website work I am trying to do.)
There's some family drama too as we head into the final week of July and the upcoming shower.

Le sigh

So, yeah, a bit of a break from all that to have something cold to drink with Robin was just what the doctor ordered. I'm so lucky to have people like her in my life! (and so are you!)


Before book club today, Ashley came over to use our oven to make these yummy fruit tart things.

I was going to take a photo of the tarts, but.. well... we ate them. So, the photo is of the lefto over fruit I ate with ice cream later.

Book club was much fun as well....

When Daddy and I moved to Fresno, I didn't know anyone here. So, we started a SWAC club and I started a Book Club. Through the book club, I have met a variety of people, read books I enjoyed that I never would have picked up, and generally felt like a part of something Fresno!

It jsut goes to show you, if you are unhappy with your situation, try to find a way to change it... even if that way might be hard or scary. It wasn't easy to start a book club and hope that people would not only show up but also be nice and friendly.... but boy was it worth it.


New dinning room table and chair set!

Wow! So pretty! Feeling very adult now!

We replaced teh table (from Good Will) and the chairs (wobbly, folding, and cheap) with this solid oak set. I found it on Craig's List and the couple who we bought it from were so sweet! They threw in some table clothes and then even drove it to our apartment and helped us unload it! Amazing!

(Adding them to the thank you list....)

Anyway, it is 35 years old, in great condition, and omg so pretty! I'm so happy! I see many family dinners, school projects, and general LIFE happening around this table!



Date night.... burritos and spending time together!

In other news, my strange desire to eat a banana every day (thanks to you) has finally diminished. Which is good because I don't actually like them and lately they have been hurting my mouth. Not really sure what that's all about, but there you go.

Burritos, on the other hand, don't hurt anything and are delicious. Having them with your daddy while people watching.... perfect way to spend an evening.


A snack at McDonald's today with Neal and Keith.

We talked about plans, both big and small, about changes, both big and small, and about boys, both big and... wait. Never mind.

I need to cut back on my fast food consumption. I think I have eaten more fast food since getting pregnant, but for some reason it just seems o much more yummy now!

Anyway, always good to hang out with good friends and gossip about other people's drama, both big and small.

The "Lady" Survey

Sometimes I makeyoutube videso.

Not often... some might say "not often enough" other would probably say "way too often" but whatever.

Here is my latest:

-note, I didn't actually have a list of the questions, I had to jot them down while watching Unseldomdrastic's video response... but afterwards I got a list... so if my answers aren't right on topic, that's my fault entirely.

The Lady Survey:
1. Who are your favourite female YouTubers?
2. Who are your favourite female athletes?
3. What is your favourite book written by a female with a female protagonist?
4. What is your favourite film written by a female with a female protagonist?
5. Who is your favourite female fictional character?
6. What is the biggest problem facing female creators today (and any solutions)?
7. Do you think youtube and online video in general are better or worse suited than television for tackling the problems and prejudices women face in the workplace?
8. What do you pledge to do to make the internet a better environment for all creators?
9. Tell us a story/secret whatever featuring women!
Rachel's Bonus Question! What's a better name than the Lady Survey?


Oh the pool. How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...

I love that you put Baby Ella to sleep.
I love that you give my poor back some relief.
I love that you let me get a tiny bit of exercise without getting my heart rate up.
I love how weightless I feel, which is good because I am starting to feel like a cow and I have at least two months to go.
I love how cool the water feels on my burning feet.
I love how I finally don't feel horribly hot while sitting on the steps.
I love talking to freinds while gently stretching my legs out under the water.
I love the feeling of my skin drying in the sun after I get out.
I love the sunshine when I am in the pool, practically the only time I love the sunshine anymore.
I love how quiet the world gets when I float on my back.
I love that I can float on my back and it doesn't hurt.
I love that when I float on my back my baby bump sticks up out of the water like a big round island.

I love you pool. Thank you for being you!

I'm going to hell


And not because I am not a believer.

Not because I'm bi.

Not because I'm living in sin and having a baby out of wedlock.


I'm going to hell because when I saw this:

I thought "How sad, someone is punishing that poor alien with leet speak and bad grammar!"

Really though? Isn't this the same lame-brain socially sympathy driven crazy that led people to think that changing their online avatar to a cartoon character would do anything, anything, about child abuse?

Really people?

I mean, I know that this country suffers from "the stupid" on a colossal scale.  But this stuff? This stuff just seems like a bad Poe version of itself.

Not to mention that it is borderline offensive to those who have suffered or died from cancer (or lost loved ones). "Gee, if only there had been this creepy ass meme around ten years ago and enough people had "liked" it, Uncle Peter might still be with us."

/grumble grumble

So, yeah.

I'm going to hell.

(But at least according to the internet, hell will be full of gay sex and BDSM novel writers while all those alien children will be in heaven, right?)

Video Post: News of the New and Upcoming!

In which I, as a floating head, talk about some changes to my online self and make a promise to the masses I hope I can keep.

New Site

My old site was getting too difficult to maintain (and pricey!).

So I have moved over here, made a few changes, and hope to keep things posted and updated.

Thank you for your patience as I get things set up.



Whew, now that the 500th post is behind me, I can get back to writing!

I want to tell you all about NOH8.

This photographic project started in late 2008 after Prop 8 passed (which as you probably know took away the right to marry from same-sex couples). First with friends, then with celebrities, and finally as an international movement, photographer Adam has taken thousands of photos of people with the trademark NOH8 tattoo and duct tape.

I love the idea of this silent protest. I love the idea of placing yourself into a position of oppression to draw attention to the fact that you are oppressed... and then the freedom to rip away the tape and shout to the world that you do have a voice, that your voice is mighty and that you matter.

I like the simplicity of the photos, pure, white, red, black, skin tones.... I like the simplicity of the idea and how complex the metaphor is.

Last week, Gay Central Valley helped bring the NOH8 campaign to Fresno!

This was the first time the campaign has been in the Central Valley and we had an awesome turnout! Around 500 photos were taken! Photos of LGBT-ers, photos of straight allies, photos of families, photos of friends.... photos of supporters!

I won't have my official one for about 8 weeks (I might have already given birth by then, gulp) and I will show it off here once it comes in. In the meantime, here is my NOH8 face via my phone:

I just want to say thank you to NOH8 and to all the great sponsors here in Fresno that helped make this happen! (Check out the full recap here).

Oh! And I got quoted in one of the news stories!


Happy 500th Post!

I realized the other day that my next blog post would be number 500. (by other day, I mean the end of June)

This was exciting but suddenly I felt that I HAD to write something worth reading, something profound, something worthy of being my 500th post!

And so… I got nervous.

Nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed good enough.

I could write about the pregnancy, the baby, the family drama, the crazy other family drama, the political issues of right now, the funny sex story of last week, the yummy food I ate and the yummy food I didn’t….

But none of that seemed right or good enough for a 500th post.

So, I waited. Surly inspiration would strike.

I waited some more.

I thought about writing about my friends, old and new, I thought about writing about lists of things to do, places to visit, goals I have set and met since starting this blog, goals I am setting for myself now, funny moments on the bus, weird dreams, links to funny cat photos or other people’s blogs…. Still, nothing seemed right.

Weeks went by.

Now there was even more pressure! Having put it off this long, I had better come up with something AMAZING… or what was the point of waiting?

Still, I waited.

Finally, at dinner the other night, I confessed my blockage. “I just, I want it to be something worth note since it is the 500th post.” I told a group of friends.

They were sympathetic but adamant: “Just write it already, don’t get distracted by the post number.”

So, finally, I decided I would.
I could.

I will!

Her I go! To break the silence of th blog and write the 500th post!

Dear Blog Readers, for my 500th post I decided to write about my inability to get over myself and my crazy expectations and my neurosis in writing this, my 500th post. Thank you all for sticking with me for the past few years. I have loved writing this blog and I hope to keep doing it for another 500 posts.

How very meta.

And yet, how very fitting… as any of you who have read even half of the past500 posts will have realized.


Glad that’s over!

Now I can write about all that other stuff!





Olive, helping me with my stretches.

Who knew stretching could be so much work? Honestly, it doesn't seem to be working... and it is very hard to do without getting my heart rate up into that "Dangerous" zone.

I keep trying, but I'm not holding my breath on this doing much good.

It is fun to watch Olive mimic me while I'm doing it though.


I feel like a watched pot of not-boiling water.

The concern of friends and family is nice, I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I already feel like I am failing in some ways.

And it is nothing they are doing or saying.. it is all me and my head.

I keep staring at my belly, at you, as if you are going to do something, as if if I look at you hard enough I will be able to see, and thus avoid, all the dangers facing you.


We had a date today. Daddy decided to rescue me from the Fresno heat and take me to Bass Lake for the evening.

We had grocery store fried chicken and fruit while we watched the boats on the lake while the sun started setting.


It is nice to know that we can escape from Fresno when we need to. Although, I really really REALLY miss Santa Cruz!


Birthday dinner for Heather! What a lovely group of ladies!

I am so glad that here in Fresno, I have made such a wide and varied group of friends.

Hooray for diversity!

I have had friends in other cities... but I was never really trying to make new friends in the same way. However, when we moved to Fresno I had to start from scratch and the result has been a huge group of diverse people I can call friends.

I'm a pretty lucky gal.

And Fresno hasn't been all bad... even if it is HORRIBLY hot!!!!



We had the NoH8 event today! Over 500 photos were taken! Apparently alot of people wanted to show their support for the LGBT community!


I had our photo taken too...

That's you with your own little sticker and duct tape.

When people asked me why I wanted you as part of it, I was proud to say "You are never too young to be an ally!"


I really hope this isn't a surprise to you... but I am trying to write a novel.

I hope by the time you are aware of what novels are, you will have a mother who is a published novelist!

I'm working on one right now.... I hope that I can at least have the first draft done by the time you get here.

Here's the general gist:

Women of the Valley -working title-

Shina Valley is a place of peace. The people live in harmony, protected by the Wise Women who rule the villages and maintain the energy that keeps the valley a secret from those who would destroy it.

But nothing lasts forever… even magic, and at a High Winter Ritual a prophecy arrives that will change the fates of the Wise Women and the Valley dwellers forever.

Here are the stories of the four women who shaped the destiny of the Shina Valley and all who lived there.

Magra: the aging Queen who must chose a successor or risk the downfall of all that her ancestors worked for. Can she trust her wisdom to interpret the prophecy correctly? Or has her hesitation doomed her people?

Moki: once thought to be the Queen’s favorite, now relegated to the role of enemy, she is determined to protect the ways of the Wise Women, even if it means challenging the Queen they all adore.

Milesh: Overlooked by many, she is mighty in power but torn by loyalties. Unsure of whom to trust but feeling the weight of her people’s future on her young shoulders she makes a decision that could be their salvation or the beginning of the end.

Meyla: child of prophecy and destined to rule, she wishes nothing more than to be a simple village woman. Her fears of her own abilities and her jealousy for her sister’s simple life and permission to love takes her on a journey that no one could have foreseen.

Shina Valley teeters on the edge of a new era…. But will this be a time of peaceful renewal or of unbridled danger?


Aunt Kristen and I shopping at Target... we wanted to get a sun shield for the car because it is so darn hot here I can hardly stand it.

Isn't your Aunt Kristen so pretty? She reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.

Anyway, we got the sunshade and did some other shopping (I got Daddy's anniversary gift).

It was so nice to spend some time with Aunt Kristen. I love her so much and I can't wait for you to meet her!


Aunt Kristen came to visit... and she brought us... this.

Black bread of some sort from the bowels of Grandma and Grandpa's freezer.

It smelled a bit like burning. It looked a bit like either zucchini or pumpkin bread... it tasted like prunes.

We all sampled a bit and then had to move on....

I think it had just been in there too long.

My mom did a lot of baking when I was young, she made breads and desserts, and cookies, and all sorts of yummy treats. I hope I can fill your little head with those sorts of memories as well. I do love baking bread!

And I promise to write the dates on things when they go into the freezer. :)


See, I told you it was going to get hotter.


So hot.

So unbearably hot.

Our energy bill is going to skyrocket.


The Epic Tart-lets!

It was SWAC brunch this morning. We had all settled in and then Robin and I decided to order the tart-lets off the menu.

They told us it would be around 20 minutes.  It was around 11.

At 11:30 they apologized, told us that the pastry was in the oven... it would be another 20 minutes or so.

At 12, the same song and dance.

We did eventually get them... they were tiny and we didn't get them until after 12:30!


I love our brunches with SWAC, even when the tart-lets are hours late.


Daddy cleaned up the backyard today.

Yes, there are a lot of weeds, but there are also some lovely lavender and now we could actually sit out there and enjoy... well... the heat.


It is way too hot to hang out back there, but it is nice to know that we could be out there if it ever cools down enough.

I'm so proud of your daddy for all his long hours, both at the office and around the house. He has been a champ picking up the slack as I can't do as much around here now that I have to lie low and not get my pulse up.

Your daddy is amazing. We are both so lucky.


We went out to dinner with Eric tonight.

We went out to sushi because they wanted sushi and I had tempura etc since I can't eat the sushi right now.

There was an awful lot of tempura... and it was very oily. It made me a little nauseous.


I'm really craving a big deli sandwich.. which is on the "no" list..../grumble


We played WoW again tonight.

We have a lot of fun hanging with our SC friends and killing monsters

And yes, I was into the game before your daddy was... Yes, I'm a bit of a geek. Well, ok, we both are, but  we are different kinds of geeks :)


We celebrated the 4th of July by going to the movies with Ashley and Adam.

We saw a horror spoof called "Cabin In The Woods" It was very funny although very gory.

And you wiggled through most of it Heee!


Playing cards with Allison.

I was able to teach her a new game... and she was nice enough to let me win a few hands  :P

My mom and I used to play cards when I was little. In fact, she told me once that she was playing blackjack while she was in labor with me.... I wonder what I will be doing when I am in labor with you!


Yum! I love veggies! Green beans... and snap peas in particular!

Ashley doesn't agree... but I love snacking on veggies!

I hope this means that you will grow up and love veggies too! They are healthy and so so tasty!

We used to grow them in our garden when I was a kid... maybe someday we will live somewhere and be able to grow them too. Wouldn't that be fun?


You are getting so big! 28 weeks!

Around 10 weeks to go! OMG!!!!! 

Still so much to do.....

/looks at photo