…Perhaps we were only mildly entertained. Regardless, please enjoy! If you are looking for Kaylia's official Website please visit KayliaMetcalfeWriter

Confessions of a (SQUEAL)

Ready for a rant?

It has been a while I know, but here goes. Stay with me… it will be worth it.

Mark got me into watching Supernatural… which is a silly campy TV show that has this insane ability to make me laugh so hard I cry. If you doubt me, you try dealing with the suicidal teddy bear or the Dean vs Cat sequence, because honestly… actual tears and then hiccups.

(You don’t even need the sound)

Seriously, watch it both ways and then tell me that isn’t pretty darn funny… No? Oh. Well. Umm…

Maybe I need help.

Regardless, I was watching an episode tonight online (Online: Where all good TV viewing happens) and the CW website kept advertising the movie “Confessions of a Shopaholic” or CAS also known as The Most Annoying Thing to be Advertised EVER.

Maybe it was just that the CW website was having fun with the volume setting so that the show needed to be at 100 in order to be heard over the washer but the commercial for this insipid movie (complete with three, THREE ear piercing female squeals) could have been fine being at say… 25. Of course my volume control was in a playful mood and didn’t want me to be able to adjust it so I got the three (THREE!) squeals at maximum volume every single time.

There were four commercials breaks in the show… and on each break they played the preview for this move twice. Twice, Not once… but twice… and each time there were (you guessed it) THREE bloody squeals.

My head, how it hurts.

What makes the whole thing worse than the horrible sounds that the commercial contained is what it was actually trying to sell.

This movie makes me want to go on a rampage of carnage.
Bloody bloody carnage.
(Raul would be screaming ‘GOOOORRRE!” if only he were real)*

Let me explain: The movie is called “Confessions of a Shopaholic” and the poster pictures a young woman with bags and bags of stuff looking slightly more manic than a hyper active wiener dog on speed.

The premise seems to be (from what I can gather between squeals of such painful shrillness that it hurts me deep inside just remembering them) is that this girl R. is unique, funny, quirky, and the object of lust for a man with bad hair and an accent that makes you wonder what the hell happened to England.

Oh, and she likes to shop, is obsessed with shopping, and seems to be lonely (but just for a millisecond) and oh yes, did I mention quirky and loud?

The only bit of a personality that is shown to us in this preview is that she is catty, needy, klutzy,… oh wait I meant quirky…. And that this guy is into her. (Although we don’t really see why.)

And that is supposed to make us want to rush out on Valentines Day and shell out ten bucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for romance (even if I think it should happen a bit more organically and not on a Hallmark moment of forced sentimentalism) and I don’t even have that huge of a problem with romantic comedies. I tend to find them silly and unrealistic… but the same can be true for most sci fi. (most… I still believe that Adama will save us all and that warp drive will happen… shut up.)

But if there is going to be a Rom Com for this year, this 2009, this moment in time when banks are freaking out, thousands of people are losing their jobs every week and millions of people are on unemployment….could it maybe NOT be a movie that seems to be flaunting the idea of mass consumerism?

Maybe I’m wrong.. maybe our heroine (gag) learns a valuable lesson about materialism and the movie ends with a cliché montage of the happy couple clipping coupons and hawking her designer crap on ebay.

But I rather doubt it.

And just in case you are waiting for the youtube embedded video of the preview I was forced to endure over and over and over again… well nope. See, I love you all each and every one of you (except Anonymous who shall remain nameless as well as spineless), and I just wouldn’t do that to you.

Honestly, I just can’t bring myself to type it in to any search box. I have a sneaky suspicion that my computer will think less of me.

*If any of you actually get that joke color me shocked, sorry, and ready to shower you with baked goods.


Mojo said...

Is Raul that soccer announcer that's always shooting for the exhalation volume and duration record when his teams scores? No? Oh. Okay. I guess I don't get it.

But that was about the only thing that didn't make me chortle, guffaw, snicker (or is the politically correct way to put that actually "sniffrican american" now?) or pass chai spice tea through my nose. Well okay, maybe not quite all the way through, but close enough to give my sinuses a scare. I digress.

Thank you thank you for not subjecting us to the {{{shudder}}} squeal, but I can actually top the story. See there is a certain frequency range attainable only by American girls in the age range of 13-16. It is somewhere between a dentists drill at maximum RPM and a Pratt & Whitney gas turbine engine at flight idle. Typically this sound is only emitted when there are three or more of said females in close proximity, and then only at a public event such as -- say -- and Evanescence concert or Hurricanes hockey game. Which sets up my segue with a slick bit of foreshadowing (okay, I beat you over the head with it, but I did it out of love). When in groups of this composition, the subtle variance between one shriek and another set tri-tonal harmonics in motion that would -- if properly employed -- drive the rodent population out of most harbors.

Yes, I have been stuck in proximity to such mind scrambling ensembles on at least two occasions, neither of which was I able to escape. When shown on TV or video, you can at least prepare for it to a degree, but in the wild you never know when the next sonic assault will come. It is analogous to the Chinese water torture, only with the added attraction of pain.

This Weapon of Mass Dysfunction could never be duplicated by an older female, but even if they dubbed it in, I can't imagine the FCC allowing its use in a public broadcast.

See what I mean?

Mark said...

Have another!!!