But see, then I am going to walk behind your big ugly SUV and continue on my way.
Oh, and I will only just say “Jackass”, I won’t shout it or add my own bit of style and flair with hand gestures.
See, I have grown. As a person. As a pedestrian.
Or maybe I am older now and I have learned something called ‘self preservation.”
About a year and a half ago I was walking home from work and was legally in the crosswalk when a (different) jackass in a low riding sports car type vehicle decided I wasn’t walking fast enough for him.
See he was one of those Very Important Drivers (VDs) who get frustrated when, while waiting their turn to turn right on red, they have to put up with us pedestrian folk who only get the fifteen seconds to walk through the crosswalk.
So he revved his engine at me and then inched forward.
While I was walking in front of his car.
And I oh so gracefully twitched away from his front bumper and then continued on my way feeling satisfied with life. That could have been the end of the story.
Except… well… no.
I did gracefully twitch away from his headlights (not on, by the way… it was afternoon and thus visibility was mighty high) but then I turned and faced him. I made eye contact.
He revved his engine again and made a shooing motion with his hand.
Let me remind you that I am legally in the crosswalk in the middle of the afternoon. He is trying to make a right turn on red…. He could make this right turn on green, or red, or yellow, or any darn color… all he has to do is wait until there are no people in the crosswalk. Seriously, another three seconds at most and he will be able to rush off to wherever.
In other words, there is absolutely no reason to rev or shoo or any of this noise.
I kicked his car.
Actually, to be precise, I kicked the front bumper of his car while flipping him off and using some very unladylike language.
And then I finished my crosswalk walk and reached the corner ready to continue on my way home satisfied with the state of the world.
(I guess I should point out here that I was not rocking the Butch Kiss Ass Biker Jacket but was actually wearing a dress, a sweater, and a pair of tall heels. Let me also remind you, my gentle constant readers, that I am a rather average (slightly short) female who wears glasses and is about as intimidating as any middle class white girl in a dress –floral print- and heels can be: Not Very.)
I got a tad up the street and glanced back. The guy had made his blessed right turn on red and then had pulled into the bike lane, flipped on his hazard lights, and was getting out of his car.
He was a big guy. He wasn’t smiling.
“Hey!” Or something like that… not sure exactly what he said because I had turned and was now walking quickly away.
“Hey, B---h, come back here!” Because that is a command that women fall all over themselves to obey. I was now scampering up the street… have you ever scampered in heels? It is a bit difficult. I glanced back and he is following me. He sees me looking and then he breaks into a run.
Let me pause here to say that 1. I hate running… I think it is a horrible experience that no one should ever have to do unless they are in danger. And 2. I can do a lot of things in heels: win drill competitions, dance like you would not believe, balance with stuff on my head… but I cannot run in heels worth any sort of product.
I slipped my heels off, scooped them up and ran like crazy.
He chassed me for three blocks yelling the whole while and all I could think of between “I hate running!” and “ I really hate running barefoot” was that for a guy who couldn’t stand to wait the three seconds for someone to walk through a crosswalk he suddenly didn’t seem to be in as much of a hurry.
Really though the experience really freaked me out… I am not a good runner and I think only the fact that I knew the streets better than he did and that I had a head start keeps this story in the “funny” column and out of the “horrible” column.
So tonight I kept my feet in check and just muttered the one insult at the jackass in his SUV.
Because I am all mature like that.
And tonight’s heels don’t slip off.