STICKY

PERHAPS WE LEARNED SOMETHING.....
…Perhaps we were only mildly entertained. Regardless, please enjoy these Reviews, Responses, Works of Fiction, and Retellings brought to you by one who hopes to someday join the ranks of those who have written something worth reading.
(Kaylia Metcalfe)

Loss

January 2009 has ended. This month and what took place in it will hold a special place in my thoughts for years to come.

I started the month off with a New Year’s Eve party with friends and sisters. I followed that up with an amazing trip to Tokyo with The Maifan-San and The Stack-Pat-Attack.

Both of these things, in their own way, were relaxing, high energy, fun, and happy. Good ways to start the month, good ways to start the year.

The second half of the month, however, was different.

On January 16th, Matthew and I found out that I was pregnant.

On January 20th, we found out that there might be complications.

On January 23rd the suspicions of the doctor were confirmed: I was going to miscarry.

January 29th; our Clinical/Chemical pregnancy began its end.

This process lasted through the 1st of February. It was... painful.

(A Clinical pregnancy is a Chemical pregnancy that lasts longer than 5 weeks. A Chemical pregnancy is what happens when there is fertilization but no implementation. I was 7 weeks along at the point of miscarriage.)

My doctor assured me that there was nothing that could be done… that these things just sometimes happen, and that this shouldn’t affect any future fertility.

That should give me comfort.

It somehow doesn’t.

It is a funny thing to have your life turned upside down and then a week later have it turned upside down again. The logical outcome would be that after two such 180 degree shifts, you should be right back where you started.

Somehow, no.

Honestly, the idea of having a child at some point in my future was (and still is?) something I was putting off thinking about until the magic age of 30. I figured that around 30 I would take a look at my life, at my goals both met and not met yet), my current relationship status and partner, my finances, my living arrangements, etc… and then I would consider the question of “someday possibly having kid(s).”

I felt confident that at that point I would either decide that I wanted to have kid(s) eventually and would go about getting myself, my life, my everything ready for that. Or I would decide that I wasn’t going to have kids and I would go about working on other goals.

I have always known that I am not the kind of person who needs to have kids to be happy or feel complete. In the same way, I don’t think I need to get married (again) to feel fulfilled. I do want a long term committed stable relationship… I just figure that the details of that will work themselves out.

That all being said, I was (and will be again) religiously devoted to taking the “No-Baby-Pill” every night like clockwork. To my knowledge I have not missed a dosage in the last 8 years. It is part of my routine, it is part of my life, and I had the utmost faith in its ability to keep my life on track.

Apparently not.

The last few weeks have been dramatic, heart wrenching, sleepless, uncomfortable, and stressful. What a way to start the new year eh?

The silver lining in this whole thing is that The Maifan-San and I are closer than before; that we have a renewed sense of value attached to both our relationship and our life styles of independence. We are both also very lucky to have some mighty fine friends and family members who were supportive and compassionate.

But we are both still sad. We both still feel the sense of loss.

So, I am glad that January has come to a close. It is February now… and I am optimistic for the future. We have some very nice plans for the upcoming weeks/months… homecomings, day trips, weekend trips, time with friends, other people’s weddings, other people’s new babies, the continuance of our hobbies and the joy of working on goals.

Despite this loss, I still feel blessed.

20 comments:

Dawn on MDI said...

wow, Kay. I am so saddened by your loss. I can only imagine how you must feet, and it cannot be good. Know there are people thinking kind thongs of you as you get through this...

Jay said...

OMG Kay. I really don't know what to say. I'm sooo sorry. That's just so awful.

Thoughts and prayers being sent your way babe.

Lisa said...

I wish I had words to make the sense of loss go away, but the only thing that will heal that wound is time. My thoughts are with both of you.

Now I see why you're glad to see January gone.

LizzGee said...

I have the same thinking. Put all serious kid decisions off until age 30, then make the final decision.

You may what to look into IUD's. I <3 mine.

Best Wishes!!!

Robin said...

I'm so sorry Kay. The loss of even an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy is still a loss. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to grieve.

Sending warm, healing thoughts across the waters.

Rystefn said...

You have my sympathy and my ear if you want it. I may not be good for much, but this, at least, I can do.

Carletta said...

Hi Kay,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
Life takes strange turns sometimes and we're never sure of the reasons.
Take care of each other.

myrelish said...

Sending you love, hugs and hopefully healing thoughts your way. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Ever considered that this is why you should wait to have sex until you are married. It might be the liberal or feminist thing to sleep around but there are reasons that God gives us rules to follow.
Now watch, you will delete this comment because it offends you. but you should really think about it

detroitus said...

There is absolutely nothing good or constructive that can come from a comment like that "anonymous". And I can tell that you know that because you are scared to show who you are. Douchebag.

Kay, I'm sorry for what you've been through. It's a lot to deal with and you know you've got friends who will be there for you if need be. Don't let ignorant people get to you with their asenine comments.

Anthroslug said...

Anonymous: as the other half of this couple, I would like to point out that being in a monogamous relationship is not "sleeping around" and that the fact that you're not fooling anyone by trying to veil your vile sadism by telling yourself and others that your disgusting comments somehow stem from a desire to tell others about your god. The fact that you take such an approach says about everything that anyone needs to know regarding your complete lack of empathy, morality, and integrity.

No, you'r no holy person or bringer of the truth and light or teller of the gospel. We all know as well as you do that you don't care about helping people or showing them the way. You are simply indulging in the same sick pleasure that is well known to any kid who ever tortured an animal. You get off on hurting others, but have to hide behind the double shield of religion to justify it to yourself and the fact that you can't be caught or directly confronted in order to soothe your nerves. I'd follow your lead and tell you that you should think about it, but I rather suspect that thinking is far from your strong point.

And of course you post anonymously - your kind is always afraid to actually show their faces, you self-righteous little coward

Kay said...

@Dawn, Jay, Lisa, Liz, Robin, Ry, Carletta, myrelish, Detroitus:

Thank you all. I know I am lucky to have you all pulling for us and being so kind.

@Anonymous: I am torn at whether a response is warranted or even a good use of my time. I do wonder if you are the same Anonymous who has, in the past, posted here. Other than that mild passing question, I have no use for you or your bile… and I think you do your faith a disservice.

@Anthroslug: As always, I am glad to have you in my corner.

Phoenix Berries said...

Kay, I am so sorry for your loss. That is one of the most horrible things to go through, and I'm glad you are not alone.

Anonymous, your cowardice is surpassed only by your ignorance of the grace of God. Please never again try to pretend that your malice has anything to do with religion. What you have said is pure evil. I'm speaking as a lifelong Christian with three degrees in religion, two from a major seminary, and I am a church historian and lay catechist. At no point in Christian or Jewish history would what you wrote here be considered acceptable. You should think about what you said when you take some time to repent today.

giggles said...

Lisa sent me.....

thoughts and prayers...

(((Kay)))

jinky bean said...

Lisa sent me, too.

I'm so sorry. We were taken aback by a pregnancy once as well, only to lose that baby once we got used to the idea. Let yourself feel whatever you want to feel, it is all okay.

As for anyfullofbaloneymous - seriously? If you were any follower of God then you would scoop Kay and her family up in your arms and wrap them in love. Think about that the next time you sucker kick someone.

Magdalene6127 said...

Here's a smack for Anonymous from a minister.

And here are some prayers, a hug, and healing space and wishes for you, Kay.

Lisa sent me too. We have a deal.

Mnmom said...

I'm here from Lisa too. Grief stinks, no matter what form it appears in. Allow yourself to grieve. You WILL heal.

Ummm, last time I checked, Jesus was conceived "out of wedlock" wasn't he?

LindaB said...

I'm very sorry for your loss, you don't know me, just a lurker at Lisa Golden's blog. I had 2 miscarriages before my daughter was born. One pregnancy was planned and one was not but they both hurt the same, emotionally. You just start thinking of what the future might be like with the baby you'll someday have and then, gone....All I can say is it gets better and it made me and my SO closer. Be well.

Eebie said...

As a Christian, I find the hardest thing is enduring the hurtful comments of other supposed Christians, like that of anonymous. (I have made the assumption s/he is Christian but it is most likely correct as Islam, Judaism and others share the same belief but see it slightly different-it is written for them differently- and as such comment differently. This comment was mainstream Christian.)

The role of the Christian on Earth is to offer compassion to others. Even the mission of "seeking the lost", i.e. evangelizing, is to be done by showing great love for others. The comment is absolutely wrong and against all that is Christianity.

I have unfortunately found too often Christians presume their personal zeal is their Christian mission. It is terribly wrong. Often it is only their personal desire for significance. (I can explain via scripture but the place does not seem right.)

If I may add, real change and real healing is made in this world thanks to people carrying out that mission. Mother Theresa of Calcutta is a popular example, she cared for the poor. There are others, caring for HIV patients, feeding the hungry, providing schools in developing world and the list goes on. Comments like the one in question help no one; it is not the mission that God asks of His people.

I have a world of compassion for you and your loved ones. My heart goes out to you all. At the same time, I am happy for you that you have a supportive community that will listen to you, cry with you, and love you.

I recall being in a small group and a young woman suffered through three miscarriages before bringing into this world a child who now calls her "Mommy". She was grateful to have had that group, that community as she struggled for love, personal dignity and her dream.

Others close to me have had the same come to pass in their lives. One thing that has been said to be beneficial is to name the child, offer it all the emotional love you would any other, and grieve. The grieving process is hard (but you've got a nice community to help you) and trust yourself to go through the hard steps. It is wonderfully difficult and wonderfully healthy - emotionally and psychologically. When you finish and as you come out of grieving, you'll find you're more of human being you ever thought you could be.

I'm sorry for what you have had to endure and happy you will not endure it alone.

Braja said...

Dear Kay...

I came here from Lisa at That's Why, because of the Anonymous comment she mentioned. Firstly, I'm real sorry to hear that you've gone thru this. I don't have kids and never wanted them, but I've watched it enough times to know it's a deep, unmovable pain for anyone who experiences it.

I ascribe to an eastern spiritual practice, which includes the concept of karma and the observance of spiritual laws as the key to balance, harmony, peace and well being in every sense: spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I like that, as any sane person would :) It sounds good, and it truly does work.

So when I read comments like the one Anonymous posted, I feel sick. I do believe that when God's laws are broken it causes imbalance, it perpetuates suffering, it creates misery for us and those whom we involve in our actions. But you know what I think is more important than that is compassion. Anonymous is a religious person? I don't think so. Spiritual? Don't see it. Kind? Definitely not. Twisted? Oh yeah. Twisted by a "religion" that he/she no doubt thinks is "superior" to you, your actions, your "sinfulness" and so on.

And I find that real sad. Sad that people use religion as a weapon in situations like this and think it's less damaging than someone flying a plane into a skyscraper; sad that someone can think themselves superior and insult, injure, and wreak havoc with their words.

Oh i could go on. But I think you know all this. One thing you may find solace in is that this poor, sad creature will go thru something similar to what you are going thru, all so they can experience the pain, the suffering, the grieving that you are feeling. Why? Because that's what it takes to learn compassion, and that's what this person needs. And you know what? Anonymous' laws apply to him/her as well: God *will* teach this person a lesson; He will teach this person that their words are violent and lacking in the spiritual love that God embodies.

And that, my friend, is also karma. Isn't there a wonderful kind of symmetry to the spiritual laws of this universe? :)

Love to you, Kay.