I started the month off with a New Year’s Eve party with friends and sisters. I followed that up with an amazing trip to Tokyo with The Maifan-San and The Stack-Pat-Attack.
Both of these things, in their own way, were relaxing, high energy, fun, and happy. Good ways to start the month, good ways to start the year.
The second half of the month, however, was different.
On January 16th, Matthew and I found out that I was pregnant.
On January 20th, we found out that there might be complications.
On January 23rd the suspicions of the doctor were confirmed: I was going to miscarry.
January 29th; our Clinical/Chemical pregnancy began its end.
This process lasted through the 1st of February. It was... painful.
(A Clinical pregnancy is a Chemical pregnancy that lasts longer than 5 weeks. A Chemical pregnancy is what happens when there is fertilization but no implementation. I was 7 weeks along at the point of miscarriage.)
My doctor assured me that there was nothing that could be done… that these things just sometimes happen, and that this shouldn’t affect any future fertility.
That should give me comfort.
It somehow doesn’t.
It is a funny thing to have your life turned upside down and then a week later have it turned upside down again. The logical outcome would be that after two such 180 degree shifts, you should be right back where you started.
Honestly, the idea of having a child at some point in my future was (and still is?) something I was putting off thinking about until the magic age of 30. I figured that around 30 I would take a look at my life, at my goals both met and not met yet), my current relationship status and partner, my finances, my living arrangements, etc… and then I would consider the question of “someday possibly having kid(s).”
I felt confident that at that point I would either decide that I wanted to have kid(s) eventually and would go about getting myself, my life, my everything ready for that. Or I would decide that I wasn’t going to have kids and I would go about working on other goals.
I have always known that I am not the kind of person who needs to have kids to be happy or feel complete. In the same way, I don’t think I need to get married (again) to feel fulfilled. I do want a long term committed stable relationship… I just figure that the details of that will work themselves out.
That all being said, I was (and will be again) religiously devoted to taking the “No-Baby-Pill” every night like clockwork. To my knowledge I have not missed a dosage in the last 8 years. It is part of my routine, it is part of my life, and I had the utmost faith in its ability to keep my life on track.
The last few weeks have been dramatic, heart wrenching, sleepless, uncomfortable, and stressful. What a way to start the new year eh?
The silver lining in this whole thing is that The Maifan-San and I are closer than before; that we have a renewed sense of value attached to both our relationship and our life styles of independence. We are both also very lucky to have some mighty fine friends and family members who were supportive and compassionate.
But we are both still sad. We both still feel the sense of loss.
So, I am glad that January has come to a close. It is February now… and I am optimistic for the future. We have some very nice plans for the upcoming weeks/months… homecomings, day trips, weekend trips, time with friends, other people’s weddings, other people’s new babies, the continuance of our hobbies and the joy of working on goals.
Despite this loss, I still feel blessed.