How do I feel about this? I am conflicted.
Yes, it’s a good weight. Yes, it is neither too much nor too little. Yes, I am very happy that the scale says 134 and not 160 (my all time high).
I have been unsatisfied. I see that number, and part of me goes “drat” and until recently I was having the hardest time figuring out why.
We went to Portland and there were photos taken but I managed to get home with none of the two of us… and only one of the front of me. The rest of the time, I turned away, I ran away, I avoided looking at him when he would pull out the camera. (Aparently, I do that a lot around him.)
Because, like millions of other people, I have a bit of a body issue thing going on.
Which is silly. I know that.
But its real.
The Man and I talked about it last weekend after the Cal game when I pretty much said that I thought I looked horrible in all the Cal photos. He disagreed, but then he might be biased no? His response was that if something bothers me, I should work to fix it… not just avoid and bitch.
Darn him and the making of sense.
On a recent morning I weighed myself and it said 132. You would think I would be excited… and for a split second I was, but then the feeling faded and I was right back where I started. Feeling dissatisfied.
Why? I asked myself, Is there a number on the scale that would make me happy?
The answer is: No.
When I hit 160 I knew it was time for a change… and I changed my life… in the next year I dropped 35 pounds and went from a size 12 to a size 4. I am now a bit heavier and comfy in my size 6 and sometimes 8s. Getting rid of that extra weight was a good thing. I feel better, I think I look better, and I have more energy.
I am really unhealthy. I eat crappy food. Seriously… one night last week for dinner I ate Candy Corn. A whole bag. I am consistently anemic (which bars me for donating blood which upsets me as an O positive) I get tired faster than I think I should. I have area of flab/sag that I hate and try to cover up as best I can.
I am unhealthy, and I know it.
So it isn’t enough that the number on the scale is decent. It isn’t enough that it is lower than it used to be. Because health is not measured on the scale… it’s measured in body functions, strong bones, endurance, fitness…. Most importantly, it’s measured in how I feel.
I want to be proud of my body, proud of my health. I want to be able to wear the “I Love My Body’ Sash without irony!
Back to The Man “If something bothers you, do something about it, don’t just avoid and bitch.”
I have stopped weighing myself.
I have started eating salads at lunch. (sometimes with spinach!)
I am trying to eat better in terms of dinner.
I got rid of the temptations of cookies, candy, etc at home and purchased actual food.
I am trying to get back into the swing of repetitive intentional working out routines. (Like doing crunches while watching TV or getting off the LR one stop further than I need to, etc)
Progress is slow, I know that.
And it’s only been about a week.
And temptations are everywhere.
So wish me luck.