All I can say, is that I was crazy.
Yes, Crazy. It fits. I looked it up.
Crazy: senseless, impractical, totally unsound, mentally deranged, insane, intensely enthusiastic, passionately excited, intensely eager… and down a bit right after unusual, bizarre, wonderful… came the clincher…likely to break or fall to pieces, weak.
Yes, I was crazy.
Years later and still reeling, I was in the frozen food aisle buying ice cream and the song came over the loudspeakers. Soft and haunting, it eclipsed the sounds of my fellow late night shoppers until it was all I could hear and I was there again. Hopelessly lost.
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
It's a Karaoke bar because in the long run that will make it all that much more symbolic. It's our second date because, after all, our first one had gone well and with a chaste kiss on the lips there had been arrangements for this evening. Outside, the night is warm. Inside, the air is oppressive with the mix of body heat and sexual tension one can only find at a bar on a Wednesday night. These people are here special; they mean business. The tables crowd against each other as if they too understand our primal need to be close, to touch. Those lucky enough to have already found what they were looking for move against each other in the semi dark, small islands of mocking pride while the rest of us ebb and flow like wayward flecks of light. I am watching from my place at a small round table in the back near the stage as he enters the bar, greets the bar tender by name, and orders drinks.
I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that…
He turns and finds me through the lights and shadows. His reaction; the classic double take of a man surprised and pleased. The wine has made me brave and it is in this instant, this moment of recognition from across the room, that I give in to a choice that didn’t need to be made. I smile.
Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all
We are out on the back patio where the city lights from the front of the bar, garish, neon, and fluid are replaced by swift darkness lit only by the amber glow of a streetlight from a different street. Where we are, there is no need for light. He lights a cigarette, leans against the wall and I move to be against him suddenly cold. He wraps one arm around me, casually, tenderly as if afraid that I will fall away.
Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see
Once it starts it can’t be stopped. My heels drag against the pavement as he pulls me close. My carefully brushed hair is held fast in gentle fists and the cigarette has fallen along the wayside. Everything falls into this moment because there can’t be anything else. Dimly I am aware that other smokers have come out here only to turn away in bittersweet embarrassment and retreat back inside where the pulsing beat of mangled pop songs tries vainly to cover the futile sounds of the broken hearted fools still searching. Out here the bar and its sounds are just a dull presence, a vague reminder that we came from somewhere else, but not important, not needed, because we have each other and the distant sounds of the freeway to keep us company. Deeply I hold this moment against my neck and feel it flutter like an imprisoned bird throwing itself at the bars of its cage. If I squeeze too hard too early there will be nothing but pain, but patience was never a virtue I could claim and I know my fear has already ended what our bodies have just started.
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
An eternity of sensation and then we are the new versions of ourselves again. The wall, the cigarette still faintly glowing on the pavement, somewhere not too far away a car honks in frustration and these things bring us back as easily as our lust took us away. I am breathless and powerful. His hands shake as he lights another cigarette and I see time reflected in his eyes against the flame. He takes a drag but this one too gets tossed aside as quickly as the first and with the type of determination only found in arrogance he takes me by the hand and back inside. Any moment of hesitation is lost as I am blindly led back into the music.
It's all brand new,
I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you
In the song there is no epilogue, just a faint sense of wistful longing.