Adventures in frustration

So. Ella had her six month check up today.

Despite the fact that she turned seven months old recently.... when we made the appointment during her 4 month check up, this was the soonest they could schedule her in.

Have you heard me complain about her doctor's office yet? 

I hate her Doctor's office. It is a converted regular office meaning that th weight station is a cubicle desk, the exam rooms are conference rooms with glass walls, and the whole thing is insanely crowded.

Also, the staff tends to not read the chart they are holding... I have been asked how we enjoy WIC despite the fact that we aren't on WIC, I have been told how impressive it is that I know who Ella's dad is (?!?), and I have had them think she was some other kid... a little boy.

The office also doubles as an allergy clinic and we have seen stacks of needles (some with meds (or soemthing?) in them) just lying about.

Whatever. 

Today's adventure:

We arrive 20 minutes early. We learned last time that they intermix the walk in people with the appointment people and last time despite having an appointment, we waited for over two hours on the waiting room.

The office us dark. Empty.

Totally empty. Apparently they had moved locations.

And hadn't bothered to tell us.

So, we drive to the new location.

(We had picked this Dr because of the location btw, We have to have a pediatrician who is both in our insurance and within walking distance. This was the only dr that was both.)

Ok, new location.... Technically still walking distance, but it will be a looooooing walk.

The new location isn't a Pediatrician / Allergy Clinic anymore.

It's a pediatrician /Urgent Care facility.

So, crowded and now the walk in people get preference over the appointment people.

We sign in. We are still technically early. We are also number 11 on the list.

11
We wait.

We are lucky to grab a chair. The room is crowded and it just gets more so. Standing room only.

We get called back. They rush Matthew and Ella through the weighing and measuring (on a better surface this time). Meanwhile I pay the co-pay. When I finish paying the gal says "Ok, great, have a great day!" I say, "We haven't had our appointment yet."

She is confused.

I join Matt and Ella in the examining room.

We wait.

And Wait

Ella gets fussy.

We feed her a bottle, we play on the floor, we sing songs....

We are in this room for over an hour.

Finally the doctor comes in... not our normal doctor, but, we are quick to realize, a drastic step up.

She is friendly, talkative, she asks questions she answers our questions, she gives good information, she is great with Ella!

She tells us that the wait was so long because they had us mislabeled.

Sigh

Ella gets her shots and is very brave, she cries but settles quickly.

Then back to the front to set up the next appointment and we escape the office almost 2 and a half hours after we arrived.

***

Home now... Ella basically got her bottle late, her fruit late, skipped her morning nap... in other words, the schedule is all out of whack... who knows how long it will take to get her back to normal....

Oh the joys!

Oh right... Dr office stats: she is 20.4 pounds, 27 inches long! Hooray!

A Box and a Loaf of Bread... in other words... Hope

To stave off the looming sense of misplaced but still powerful depression I have been attempting to equal parts hide from and ignore, today I did two things. I built a cardboard playhouse for Ella and I baked banana bread.

First, the cardboard.

It was a diaper box from Amazon. It became a little enclosure complete with windows that open and close… and the best part, the thing I am the most proud of, are the door and window handles. I made them out of white yarn and they can be used to open and close the windows and doors from either the inside or the outside.

Ella is a bit too little to do much more than hang out in there… but we did have a lot of fun playing peek-a-boo through all the various windows.

I have a feeling that little J (the 18 month old I watch) will enjoy it on a whole other level.

And I’m anticipating that Olive is going to get a bit of use out of it as well.

Ok, on to baking.

I made banana bread from a recipe that I augmented. First I had to find a recipe that didn't call for eggs as we are out… and then I had to do something to make it my own. (I’m not the only one who does that right? Takes a totally fine recipe and decides to tinker with it during my maiden attempt.)

Anyway, I tinkered and baked and viola! Banana Bread Kay-Style!

I'll type up my recipe later and post it on my cooking blog.

I was trying to figure out what drew me to both of these activities, why they both seemed like good weapons against melancholy and apathy.

Here’s what I came up with:

1.       They both involved problem solving, the need to exercise my brain in a way I haven’t been doing lately. Whether it was figuring out how to put handles on the doors and windows or what the appropriate thing to use instead of shortening (part applesauce and part margarine), this sort of problem solving was fun and challenging without being insurmountable.

2.       They were both creative. Here! I can point, Here is what I made. No endless words and paragraphs with only the word counter to give me validation of not wasting my time… here there is tangible proof that I started with one thing and made another. I MADE this… and It was good!

3.       Along with that, both projects provided a tangible goal, something to work toward and accomplish within a relatively short amount of time. I think that the monotony of my days is really getting to me. They all seem to blend together and I feel disconnected. Having a goal, a plan, and then knowing that I could o it (and do it pretty much by myself) was liberating in a way.

4.       They were both fun! I shouldn't have to explain this one… but yeah. Fun. It can’t be overstated… especially when one is feeling generally blue and frustrated.

5.       Maybe most importantly, they were both for other people. I have found, in the past, that shifting my focus away from myself and my problems onto someone else can help me feel better. Knowing that Olive, J, and even Ella, will get a bit of fun from the playhouse was a big motivator. And I had been trying to think of something sweet to do for my long suffering fiancé for a while… therefore dessert!

Anyway, I’m not a guru or anything. Hell, I’m not even close to the tree line in these here woods, but I do feel better and I hope that I can remember these things tomorrow or the next day or the next and utilize them in new and interesting ways. 

I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me… but today I feel a little bit more able to fight it.

Still taking a break

I'm still here, but I'm not all here, if you know what I mean.

Soon though.

I hope.

The faking it is getting a tiny bit easier.... someday soon, I'm sure that I won't have to fake it... that what I am feeling will be back in line with what I am supposed to be feeling.

Blah,

This is rambling and I know it isn't making much sense.

A Pause

Dear friends.

As some of you noticed, there was no “Show Me…” entry this week.

In fact there wasn’t anything from me this week.

I hope to be back up and actively participating in life again this week… been having a bit of a hard time lately.

There isn’t one particular thing.

It isn’t a matter of sleep deprivation

Or body image issues

Or a persistent cold

Or Ella’s teething

Or Ella’s persistent cold
Or Ella's night terrors, growing pains, who the hell knows but she isn't sleeping.....

Or feeling overwhelmed with this motherhood thing

This author thing

This fiancé planning a wedding thing.

It is all of that

And

It is the news that a beloved family member is dying of cancer.

It is the frustration of ignorant people doing ignorant and hurtful things

It is watching friends be preyed on by scam artists and having those friends be so desperate that they fall for the scam.

It is being a part time babysitter for an active little boy (fun but exhausting)

And

It is the bad dreams

The weight of decisions based on untold variables, blood work, and questions I don’t even know how to ask … let alone answer.

It is the stories in my head, swimming bits and pieces… flotsam that cannot be ignored but is never fully given enough attention to be dismissed.

It is the headache that has been with me for a week now… sinus? Allergy? Stress? Does It even matter?

It is the vendors who don’t want to support the LGBT community

It is frustration of feeling trapped because there is nowhere to go

And no way to get there.

It's the broken dryer

It is an asshole who stole our laundry basket

And our laundry

It is the hangnail and the blister

It is the weeds and the crust in the sink and the dirt on the floor and the crud in the toilet and the spiderweb under the chair and the dust on the shelf and the lint on the carpet and the dirt on the windows and the hair in the drain.

It is all of this

And none of this

And I just couldn't bring myself to type anything last week.

No words in the story

No photos for the blog

No phrases or fragments to figure out later

Nothing

I feel empty even as I eat my fill of Easter candy

I feel restless even as my muscles beg for sleep

I feel apathetic even as I watch Ella play or smile or coo.

And then of course, I feel guilty.

I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong, and I don’t have the energy to figure it out.

So

Soon

Sooner rather than later, I promise.

I’ll jump back up, rally the troops of my motivation, put on my mask and

Make it work

Fake it till it’s real

Plug away

Just keep swimming swimming swimming

Maybe tomorrow.

We'll see

Show me.... your door!

Another Friday... another submission to the Show Me Project!

Last week we had Kitchens.... this week we have: Show me... your door!

My front door.

Exciting yes?

And the screen door that came with it…

… which locks but has such a big gap in the bottom I can’t comfortably just leave the front door open even if I was the type to do so.

Anyway, the most interested thing about my door is this bit of note still taped to the wall. The note said “Please knock and DO NOT ring the bell. Sleeping Baby!”

But since Ella doesn't seem to care about things like doorbells and the UPS and other delivery people took that sign as permission to gently whisper knock (seriously) and I kept missing deliveries even though I was sitting in the living room, I took down the sign.

Which brings me to the gate.

My gate is much more interesting.

It locks… and I really wanted to live in a locked community. (If you had as many stalkers as I have had, you might want locks too).)

However I never realized how annoying the locked gate can be.

Since there is no call box or anything I get the joy of coming out and unlocking the gate…

… when there is food delivery.

… package delivery.

… a visitor.

And that is fairly annoying considering that things always arrive right when the baby is comfy on the floor or the noodles are about to boil or my arms are full of laundry or the cat just puked or….

Also?

The gate is black and metal and gets really hot in the summer.

In fact I had a lovely burn on my upper inner thigh two summers ago from that gate… but that might be a story for another blog.

So there you go, my door/gate.

Feel free to link to your own Door submission below… and then come back next week for more of the Show Me Project! (next week we are doing “favorite view from anywhere in your home”)

Show Me... Your Kitchen!

It's that time again... Friday is "Show Me" day 'round these parts!

Thank you to everyone who participated last week!

This week's assignment: Kitchen... or something pertaining to the kitchen.

I don't love our kitchen. I don't hate it, it is fine, but it is relatively normal. and nothing all that special.

What I love are the things in my kitchen... and a few things kitchen adjacent.

Like this: the Cupboard of Potential!

Let's look inside! On the top shelf we have my cookbooks.

Now, I don't use them as much as I should (hooray for google) but I do try to use them and I really like knowing that they are there.

On the bottom shelf we have specialty appliances... the crock pot, the cake pop maker, the waffle iron, and the party coffee pot. These things get used different amounts of time each month, but I do make use of them regularly and I love having them!

In the kithcen we have my bread machine.

Which I use on a more seldom basis, but my rosemary bread gets high praise so hooray for the bread machine! I really should be using it more....

Lastly we have my absolute favorite thing of all.

The one

The only

The Personal Coffee Maker!

This baby makes one (very large) cup of coffee at a time in under 2 minutes flat. It is a cinch to clean and yes I use it every single morning.

I love it.

The red light means that in the time it takes me to eat a banana, there will be coffee!!!!!!!!

So there you have it... my favorite things about my kitchen: my modern appliances! Yeah, I love my dishwasher, my microwave, my popcorn popper, and my toaster. But I ADORE my coffee maker.

Can't wait to see everyone else's submissions! 

Feel free to lin below... and then come back next week for "Show me...your door!" (Front, back, side, office... you get the idea.)

For the breakdown of what the heck the Show Me Project is, click here!

Show me.... sentimental object!

It's that time again... time for the Show Me Project!

This week: Show me... an object of sentimental value.

For me that's my engagement ring.

Matthew proposed to me on April 13th of last year.

In Santa Cruz

He took me to a bluff overlooking the beach and the Boardwalk and talkedabout how much he loved the Friday nights we spent down there listening to music and relaxing. He said that he wanted to spend all the Friday nights of his life with me.

Squeeeee.

We had talked about getting married and starting a family... for various reasons the family starting part had to happen a bit earlier than we had anticipated, so I was four months pregnant when the proposal came.

I asked him as I was writing this what his object of sentimental value would be... and he said his engagement ring....

Yes, he has one too. 

The baby was born right around our 5 year anniversary and I have a feeling that the wedding will be right around our seven year anniversary... yeah, we aren't traditional, but we are very much in love and I LOVE my ring for all that it symbolizes.

Hooray love

***

If you want to take part in this week's Show Me.... please add your info below

... and click here to see the assignment for next week!

I'm a little hamster running on a wheel.....

Wow.

In the last four days…

I was full of excitement and apprehension and had a panic manic moment during packing.

I was frightened half out of my wits… to the point of near hysteria. Now we know that a)I can scream pretty loudly when I need to and b)my flight or fight is illustrated by fight then flight.

Long car drive

Horrible night’s sleep due to Ella being all thrown off and waking up every 2 hours.

Awesome panels at FogCon!

Rediscovering Twitter

More awesome panels at FogCon

Got boo-ed for making a unpopular statement

Met some fascinating people

Had another horrible night’s sleep due to hotel neighbors, their parties/music/sobbing

Insanely busy day with more awesome panel discussions

Absolutely wonderful awesome perfect workshop experience

Missed the baby

Fancy dinner

Met more big wigs and had very nifty conversations

Slept like a log

Panic rush to get to panel on time

Heard my unpopular statement spouted by a panelist and was surprised to see people clap.

Was hugely inspired by the conference…. Can’t wait to dive back into writing!

Found out someone close to me is losing a baby

Found out someone close to me has stage four lung cancer

Read that an acquaintance’s child died over the weekend.

Another long car drive

Met college friends of Matthew’s

Met newest nephew, baby Shay.

Held baby Shay and was amazed at how little and light he is!

Baby proofed the living room

There's more, that's just the highlights.

This morning I babysat the neighbor boy. Ella loved having company!

This afternoon, more babysitting of little J

Then prep for tonight’s board meeting

And prep for tomorrow night’s Pinot event

And try to finish article due on 15^th.

I’m exhausted. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster for days now (because I have) and that there is no end in sight.